What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Thank you to all who read my story ❤️

5/30/2017

Thank you for your support and for taking the time to read our story. As I said I hope I can make a difference in someone's life.

I overcame the hardest time in my life by choosing a Fitness Path. I share my story in hopes of making a difference in yours. Fitness is not just about how you look on the outside, it's how it makes you feel emotionally & mentally. Find your reason and just do it.

"I am a PROUD mom!"

Being a mom is a gift, it's a blessing, being a mom with a special needs child is even greater than words can express. Yes it is hard, challenging and sometimes it's more than one can handle, with the downs you face the questions you ask & wondering what each day will bring. So I forgot about the milestones, accepted that I have been chosen and took it day by day... So yes I am a PROUD & lucky mom!

I have waited
for you all my life..

To make a long story short..after 9 months of waiting and 36kgs of extra weight (yes yes a whooping 36!!) & countless gynecologist visits trying to figure out what was wrong with my bundle of joy.. the day had come to meet my little prince MOUNIR. Here he was in my arms the essence of my being, the beginning of my motherhood journey but... something was wrong.. a mother's instict you can call it... something was wrong with my boy. Doctors reassured me I was wrong but yet in my gut I knew something wasn't right.. only to be right after 12 days when my tiny little baby goes into operation with his intestine protruding from his belly button. I won't give doctors names nor the hospital name.. we are all humans and we all make mistakes. But I made sure I was at the best surrounded by the best.. but yet the best was not enough.

Acceptance is the most important
step.

We tend to go through a denial phase where we most believe that it wouldn't happen to us... but it does... questioning life was the last thing on my mind, all that mattered is that my baby needed me. I personally accepted his situation from the moment he was born and I knew deep within something wasn't right and I was ready to face the storm. I could write a million pages of my story but to summarize it..we spent around 6 months in the hospital between thorough examinations, unexplainable tests, feeding tubes, exams, medications... we took a plunge into the unknown and started researching all we could to understand what could be wrong (I think me and my husband should have a medical degree 😀) we ended up with 6 operations, but no diagnosis for his case..but thank god operations were successful. There was a moment I questioned GOD.. "why me?"when everyone around me was having healthy strong babies.. but then it hit me "WHY NOT ME?" From that moment on I prayed that god guides me in doing what is right, after all he sent me my son, he wouldn't leave me..."us". Praying gave me the strength to accept my fate & that's what matters most because once you do, you can & you will have the power to do the impossible. The people who surround you become your strength, for me it was my MOM she stood by me , she wiped my tears, held my hand, she gave me the strength to cope & kept saying " it will be ok". You were right mom, everything is ok. You were the glue to my broken heart. Of course all my family supported me & most importantly my husband, my backbone.

What happened?

Finding a reason for what was happening was one of the hardest things to understand, was I to blame? Did I by any chance do anything wrong during my pregnancy? I had a few glasses of wine, smoked a few cigarettes.. was that a reason? Was I a bad mom? Was this all my fault? The guilt trip of trying to figure out WHAT HAPPENED was one of the worst phases. But I got my answers & no it wasn't my fault and i could let go of that aching guilt.. read further down.

When the storm calms down...

As Mounir grew up he started improving with countless therapy sessions, pediatrician visits and of course our dedication to help him, he started improving slowly at his own pace. We took a trip to Harvard children's hospital since Mounir has a very rare case of encephalocele (which is a brain hernia). We had plans to have it operated but we were advised otherwise it was a great relief that it was not a dangerous case & he could live a normal life (at his pace) with this anomaly. He underwent several test to try and find a diagnosis, but we once again were left with no complete answers... but one... he had a GENETIC case. I was relieved but worried at the same time. We knew something at least but we just needed to do more tests to find out his syndrome.

OUR BOSTON MEDICAL TRIP TURNED INTO A VACATION..

The Results..

So after having done the genetic tests when he was born & getting no answers & since there was no full exome tests yet being done back then, we consulted yet another geneticist & he informed us that we were now able to have a full gene test to try and figure out what was Mounir's case. After waiting for 2 months we finally got an answer from the German genetic center that our little boy had a De Novo genetic syndrome called COFFIN-SIRIS with only 140 reported cases worldwide. So Mounir was indeed, just like I always believed him to be a super special and unique boy! There are not enough studies conducted on his syndrome since it is so rare, we can only take it day and by day and keep doing our best to help him reach his capacities.

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So what now?

Mounir is 9 now with an adjusted age of 4 years old. He doesn't talk or chew food, but does say a few words.. he has challenges and is developmentally delayed but he goes to a special needs school & still undergoes therapy which helps him deal with his walking, talking, chewing, sensory processing, coordination, behavior, social & congnitive skills. But what matters most he is a very happy boy!

I wrote this poem for him, I never feel despair only hope..

I look at you and my heart wants to explode,
It's like being in love on overdose,
Like every mom I want the best for you,
But only the best of what you can give me,
Everything is a challenge for you,
But I'm right there to help you, I will always be,
I sit and wonder what the future holds,
Will it be hard for you as you get old,
So many questions with no answer in hand,
I just hope God has a good plan.
Will you ever have a best friend and be naughty together?
Or a girlfriend and be shy to tell me?
Will you ever drive and drive me around?
Will you ever read and write me a poem?
Or draw a drawing of our family and circle me with a heart?
Will I ever hear your problems and we try to fix them, will you tell me about the monsters under your bed or the bullies that hurt you when I'm not there.
Will you tell me about things you like and what you want to be when your older?
Will I ever see you wearing a graduation cap?
Will I ever see you holding a girls hand?
How about your first kiss?
Will you ever have a relationship?
Will you ever not need me by your side?
Will you be able to chose what is right?
Will you run to me when your worried and say mama I need you...
I know you do thought I don't hear from you.
Do i wish it was a little different... yes I do but I thank god without a doubt I do for you.
So many things I wish for, but I cannot ask for more.
It's like a guessing game with you,
But I always figure out what to do.
I give you affection without wanting it back,
But just to hear you say "mom I love you" that would just be a dream come true.
I know you can't,
It's not in your hands,
But still I wish I could just hear that.
Oh my boy, my little special boy...
I'm just a mom who wants the best,
I'm just a mom whose mind doesn't rest,
I'm just a mom in love with you,
I'm just a mom who....
fights every day to keep a smile, my hands together praying for you...may god make it easier as we get through.
People look at me and see me smile..
they think life is peachy and the sun always shines,
but how can they know what's in my heart,
The struggles of a mom with a special needs child,
The wonders and hopes everyday,
Praying that time will make a way,
I don't want what you cannot give me,
But I do wish for it.
I wish and wish and maybe someday my wishes will come true.
But the most important thing is I love you,
And that's the greatest gift you have given me.
So maybe one day things will change, but maybe they won't..
I don't want you to be like all other kids... but I just want you to be ok in a world that is somewhat cruel and beautiful at the same time. But know this no matter how life is for you I'm always there right there beside you.

How I changed my life...

Countless sleepless nights, worry, stress, anxiety, panic attacks & worst of all insomnia..all these started to eat me up slowly. While I was going through the hardest phase with my son, I didn't have time to think what I was feeling, the moment the storm settled a little... that's when I realized.. I am depressed, I am a lost person, I spent all my strength and now I was almost drained but there is always a little left and if u don't work on that.. there is no turning back. I had lost most of my baby weight. It was actually the one thing that I had been doing for me, it was like my focus to distract me from what I was feeling, it was like a replacement that at least I was getting one thing back on track that was my weight. So it did keep me a little sane in some way, like I hadn't forgotten myself...

I saw a few therapists to help me cope with my feelings. I was sad & felt defeated by my own self, how could I after all this break down?? But I can't break down, my son still needs me! I need to have a clear mind to be able to to deal with my daily life and be a good mother!! I felt like maybe, just maybe I needed treatment, would that help me? But what if I become addicted to pills?? What if I cannot wean off them later on? Is that what I want?? So many questions that made my anxiety and panic attacks even worse, not to mention the insomnia!! So at my therapist visit, he suggested I take pills and try to include a steady workout routine.. but I was tired & lacking sleep how could I do that? I bought the pills....they did not see the inside of my belly.

Ditch the pills..
get on the treadmill..

Yup. The first week was the hardest, I would get maybe 10 hours of sleep a week, but I forced myself everyday to workout even if it was for more than 2 hours a day! I would go to Zumba, Boby combat, yoga, weight training, treadmill, boxing... my body was exhausted, but I waited & hanged in there, I kept telling myself "I will get better, just a little more time" it's amazing what the power of the mind can do... 2 weeks later I was sleeping daily!! I was getting 5 hours of sleep a night! I felt better. I would still get panic and anxiety attacks but one issue was down and just a few more to go. I started joining more Zumba classes and I was getting good at it. A good friend suggested I get certified & so I did.. I started to feel good again, I would smile more often... and in less than 2 months.... I was fine! I went back to the therapist with a huge smile on my face and he said you look good... I said no "I am super Good."

It didn't kill me & oh yeah it made me stronger!

so to remind me I have tattooed it on my body...

It is scientifically proven that exercise releases endorphins..& endorphins make you happy! So I loaded up on that!

One of the greatest gifts in life is that we have a CHOICE.. we can choose how we react to things or situations in life. We can either take the easy way out or we can face our struggles & change them into a positive situation. I am not saying it's easy, but it's worth it. I chose to go down the fitness path to better myself..physically but more importantly Mentally. Everything changed for me, I saw the world in a different perspective. I chose to accept my son's case, I chose not to compare or ask why, I chose to be happy, I chose to smile knowing that I am blessed with this life even though I do not know what tomorrow will bring but I know that I have TODAY.

Fitness is a way of Life..it's not a forcible decision.. it's a life changing one.

When you start a fitness routine wether it be spending time at the gym, lifting weights or taking up some cardio classes.. don't do it because you have to, with a grin on your face... do it with a smile. Think of all the stress you have and how soon enough it will all disappear because right then & there you are escaping into a world of change, you are getting your dose of happy pills. It doesn't work from the first time... it's a state of mind like everything else it takes time.. not just to see a difference in your body, but in your overall health. To some, the scale would be the reason, but it's not longer about how much you weigh, but obviously if you are overweight, you do need to think of that to be at your healthy weight.. it's about a healthy body.. a healthy mind, a healthy life.. which will not only change you, it will change the people around you and how you deal with your daily life. Trust me the happiness you will project on others with time will change and inspire them.

How do you do it? they ask me... I found my inspiration in the eyes of a little boy who owns my heart completely...

I have heard it several times, people ask me "how did you do it?", if I was in your situation I would of broken down.. I did break down.. but I got up again. I turned a hard situation into a positive one. I looked into my son's eyes and said you know what, we will get through this & I will help you.. but first let me help myself & so I did. I dance for you, my boy..it's you. Everything I DO FOR ME, REFLECTS ON YOU, so I found my reason... FIND YOURS.

When Life gives you Lemons.. just make some Lemonade! It's never too late to turn your life around... my husband kept saying that & he was right..the Law of attraction "he would say" if you think it in your mind, you will feel it in your hand. I reply to him " i felt your love everyday & your support.. you gave me strength.."

I am not a supermom, I am just a mom with super love for my boy.. I do what any mom would do for her child.. I simply love him unconditionally...

I still struggle sometimes when Mounir can't really express what he wants to say to me, or when we are having lunch & I still need to feed him mashed food, or when we go out and he refuses to play with kids because of his sensory issues and autistic features...but I tell myself look how far we have come... time will make it better. I treat my son as if he was the most normal kid in the world, so many kids ask me why doesn't he talk?.. why does he walk this way?.. why doesn't he want to play?..why is his food mashed? Endless questions .. not just from kids.. adults as well...All I answer is that he will.. and you know what, I know he will with every prayer & hope inside my heart, maybe in his own special way at his pace it doesn't really matter, I know I am doing everything I can to help him reach his capacities and whatever he gives me back is enough for me. The smallest steps Mounir makes, fills my heart and I feel so proud, the smallest milestones as simple as holding a cup or spoon, blowing a candle, swimming in the sea, going up the stairs... I feel pride & pure happiness. I know I am lucky he is by my side no matter the challenges. My heart goes out to those who have had no luck in bearing a child or who have a child with severe special needs and I have seen so many cases worse than Mounir & some hopeless cases and I just THANK GOD and Pray for others to have the strength to face their storm.

So here it is "my story".. take up a Fitness routine, find your reason... change your life.

I am blessed with an amazing family.. amazing friends who make my life, just how I would choose it to be. Support plays a big role .. no judgement.. SIMPLY LOVE. Every class I teach, I make sure everyone is happy, making someone happy is the greatest success of all & I do think I have that gift in putting a smile on people's faces, I just believe everyone should be happy no matter what... YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.. no matter how hard life may be.. find your HAPPY PLACE and whenever you feel down, go back there.

Thank you to everyone who made a difference in my life.. in Mounir's life..❤️

You Are the one who raises me up, you have changed my life, you showed me the true meaning of love ( might sound cliche, but i can't find a better sentence) and I will always be there to catch you my love. It's me and you against the world.. and we will win because we have each other.

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